


a fish learns to swim

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Ron Weasley-centric, just wanted to think about writing out a self aware ron, ron deserves good things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:07:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25012912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: he wants the world. and yet, he cannot stand to be looked at.
Relationships: past Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley - Relationship
Comments: 5
Kudos: 26





	a fish learns to swim

there is a universe there, between her lungs.

ron recognised it when he was twelve, when she had looked at him with her too big hair and oversized front teeth and said to him, "you're doing it _wrong_."

it had scared him then, though. it frightened him to see the world in her eyes, behind her cleverness and intelligence. he liked to think that his twelve year old self had merely known to be intimidated, known that she would grow to be so much more. but in truth he had merely been ashamed, ashamed that he could look in the mirror for hours and not see even a quarter of what she had in his own dull, blank eyes.

but no one had ever asked him for the world. no one had ever looked at him and asked, "what can _you_ do? what can _you_ give _me_?"

that was all anybody ever asked hermione, he knew that. people looked at her and demanded her worth. "why do you deserve to be here?" they'd ask. and then she'd stare at them, the depths of her eyes open and clear and she'd tell them, "because my magic brought me here."

sometimes ron saw the way someone's gaze skipped over him. they'd stop on harry, take in his small frame, jagged scar, messy hair. they'd pause on hermione, almost accidental, linger on her wild curls, the way her mouth quirks and twitches and opens to spill forth all the knowledge she keeps in her head. but what do they see when they look at him? do they look at him at all?

he used to hate it, the feeling of being dismissed, of being thrown away.

now he likes the comfort, likes the shade he can find in being forgotten.

it is not an entirely unfamiliar feeling. his family is big. _big._ he has always known he was just one in many, maybe the least remarkable, maybe the least interesting. he was not smart, or funny, or particularly good.

he had dreamt once of being all those things, of swallowing all his brothers whole so he could be as funny as fred and george, as smart as percy, as good as bill, as handsome as charlie.

he wants the world. and yet, he cannot stand to be looked at.

if they look to closely he knows they'll find it doesn't match up. if they look to closely he knows they'll just find empty spots, holes and flaws and smudged ink. he isn't a mistake, but he isn't a right choice either.

"i can't do this." he says to hermione, because even though she loves him, he could never be enough. she is bigger than he could ever be, all brilliant ideas and passionate causes. ron could've never been enough.

her eyes flash. the tears gather at the corners. he knows she knows this too. "ron- i- we can-"

"do not settle. not for me."

did it matter that he was in love with her? he thought it probably didn't. the fact of the matter was that it was _never_ going to be him. he was never going to able to keep up, he was never going to be able to fill the empty space next to her without stopping short, without hating himself in the end, without hating her. and that was the last thing he wanted. he didn't want to try and build himself up to be someone he wasn't, and then hate her for the failure, hate her for being better than him, hate her for the fact that he could never measure up.

so he cuts it short. he kisses her and makes love to her and gives her everything he can. but he ends it there.

he wants to remember hermione like this, with her eyes lit up and mouth curled at the edges. he doesn't ever want to forget it.

"i love you." she whispers.

and then they move on. him and hermione are just another chapter to be finished.

ron finds love again in someone else. a girl without half the light that hermione has, a girl who doesn't love him half as strong as hermione did, a girl who cannot in any conceivable way compare to hermione. but she is _enough._ and he knows he is enough for her, and maybe that is what ron loves the most about it. ron loves that he can go home and kiss her and say his hello into her mouth as she laughs and tells him about her day. ron loves that at night when they are in bed, he can listen to her breaths and know that this is what it means to be happy.

she isn't hermione, but sometimes ron loves that about her too.


End file.
